Insecurities

I kind of thought by the time I reached adulthood that I would be free of insecurities.  I thought that being free of the high school gossip and college drama, by the time I had a husband and kids, and spending my days home in the comfort of my own home most of the day, I would shed any insecurities I had.  I was wrong.  I guess we all have our insecurities and they pop up in different times, places, and events in our lives. 

After having two babies via c-section and now trying to lose the weight, I have insecurities about my body.  I  know that the scar and stretchmarks and extra pounds have a story to tell.  Without them I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters, but with them, I don't feel as toned and in shape as I once used to.  I see other mom's who seem to just bounce back and look better than ever before, and I am insecure.  "How does she look like that?" crosses my mind.  I wish I didn't feel this way, and I wish I have more willpower to not compare myself to others, but it's hard.  I look in the mirror and things just aren't the same.  I guess that comes with getting older as well and things are naturally going to shift and change, but knowing the reality of it doesn't make the insecurities go away. 

Then comes the insecurities of being a parent.  I went to years and years of schooling to do a job that I was at for six year.  My current job, stay-at-home mom/wife, I had no training.  You think that things are going to come naturally and then the insecurity sets in when you realize you have no idea what you are For instance, potty training--no idea.  I read the books and thought I had a clue before we started--of course, those things didn't work for my child and I was left feeling insecure and confused.  Then I compare myself to other mom's and feel even worse.  It seems like they have it all together.  They have time to clean and cook and do fun crafts and teach their kids at home.  Me, on the other hand, there are days when I am just trying to make it through the day.  Days where I do put on a few too many episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to give myself a little downtime (and let's be honest, in that time I'm not using it effectively to clean or cook). 

The hard thing is as we get older, no one is really there to cheer us on in day to day life.  No one is constantly telling us we are doing a good job.  I kind of miss those days of high school when I could get a test back and see for myself with the grade on the paper whether or not I did a good job.  I miss a coach telling me they could see the hardwork that I was putting in.  I even sometimes miss going to work and people listening to me in a meeting because they value what I have to say or a student say thanks for listening. 

I must admit that sometimes this lack of feedback leads to my insecurities.  It's hard to look inside ourselves and tell ourself that we are doing a good job or praise ourselves for the 5 pounds that we have lost, but it's that internal motivation that is going to keep us going.  In keeping with trying to improve on some key areas of my life, I really would like to shed some of these insecurities and be comfortable with who I am at this given point in time.  It may not be at a weight that I love when I look at the scale, and I may do things differently as a parent that I ever said I would, but this is who I am--right now.  Now, there is always room for growth and change, but if I can't be comfortable with who I am today, then I can't grow, I can't change.  So for today, I will get out there and do the best that I can.  I will try to eat healthy, and get to the gym, I will try to engage my children and do fun activities, but if I slip up-it's ok too because I know that in spite of my insecurities, I have security of my family and friends to fall back on.

Where has my baby gone?

In the last three weeks, my baby has gone from having a pacifier, taking naps, and wearing diapers to now no pacifier, no naps, and being potty trained.  Granted, it was winter break, so we were trying to tackle a bunch of these things when she didn't have school, but it still  makes me a little sad.  I kind of miss her asking for her paci, and I won't change another one of her diapers, and major bummer--I don't have a nice stretch of time while she is sleeping (and we all know she really should still be taking a nap based on her behavior at the end of the day yesterday).  But, I know this is my job as mom to help shape her into an independent, self-sufficient adult.  Although, I can still cringe each time she goes to get her own glass of water knowing full well that she will probably spill it all over the floor right now :)

Kiley Newborn--photo by Katie Ryan Photography

 

 

Weekend Recap

This weekend was a pretty normal weekend around our household--or I guess what is going to be a more normal weekend this year.  The end of last year, weekends were CRAZY, so I am hoping for more time spent at home this year and less constant running around from this to that.

I got back to Weight Watchers on Saturday morning--the weigh in after the holidays didn't result in any weight loss but some weight gain--no shock there after the splurging I did over the holidays.  But, this is a new year/new start and like I said before-this is the year that I am finally getting back to that pre-pregnancy weight.  I really have enjoyed the meetings that I have been to thus far.  I think that it is important to find a leader who motivates you and helps you take something away from every meeting, whether you have two pounds to lose or 200.  This week we talked about hedonic eating which is simply just eating for the sake of pleasure--anyone do this?  I find myself in this hedonic eating trap after dinner.  I am constantly wanting something sweet, but I'm obviously not hungry since I have just had dinner.  This week, my goal is to curb that craving time after dinner so I am trying a week of no desserts.  I've made it two nights thus far, hopefully I can make it the week.  It's hard!

After that I hit up the gym for a run on the treadmill and then the centergy class which is a mix between yoga and pilates.  I love it!  The music is good and it reminds me of stretching back in my dancer days.  Then we headed home for a quick lunch and I was right back out to hit the grocery store. 

We had a babysitter Saturday night and went to a movie and dinner/drinks.  I haven't been to a movie since before Kiley was born-yes I said Kiley-almost three years ago.  I forgot how much I enjoy seeing movies in the theater.  Nothing else to distract me and I get two hours to sit and focus on one thing--now that doesn't happen much/if ever anymore.  We saw Silver Linings Playbook-the inner psychologist in me got to come out and there was romance involved so of course I liked it.  I even told Kevin I enjoyed going to the movie so much I might even go with him in a couple of weeks to see Lincoln.  We had dinner at Lincoln Whiskey Kitchen by the mall.  It was good, but really busy and they seemed to be rushing us out of there.  I enjoyed the food, but maybe would prefer something a little bit more low-key for date night. 

Sunday morning we woke up to Madison not being able to walk on one of her back legs.  Ugh, my poor doggy.  Kevin took her to the emergency vet and they didn't find anything so they think maybe she just sprained her leg.  She is a bit better today so hopefully with a few days rest, so will be back to normal.  After they got back, I took the girls to the gym with me.  Got in 5 miles on the treadmill which isn't too shabby since I haven't been doing much running lately. 

Then off to the car wash--I am trying to organize one area a week this year.  The first was my car.  We aren't even going to discuss the nightmare that my car was.  The food that the girls throw on the floor was disgusting!!!  So, a wash inside and out was certainly needed.  I wish I could have gotten a picture or video of the girls going through the car wash, but I was too busy consoling them.  They were terrified.  I thought it would be fun for them--guess not!

Dinner and an early bedtime rounded out the weekend.  A nice low-key weekend that is hopefully a trend that will continue.  With the last crazy couple of years, I'm really looking forward to less on the calendar this year and more time just spent enjoying my family.  With that, I realize I need to get better at taking pictures of ordinary days.  I got a new camera for my birthday/Christmas, and of course I always take pictures of the bigger things, but as this post goes to show, I don't take pictures of everyday life.  My goal for this week (along with no desserts) is to get a picture of ordinary life everyday.  Because, quite frankly, the ordinary moments are the ones that I will probably forget quicker than the others so I need to capture them before I get to the point in ten years where I am like, what did I do with all my free time, ha, free time! 

This is it!

This is it!  The year that I am finally going to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  Probably not so much my pre-pregnancy body so much since after delivering two babies, my body isn't quite the same.  But I do plan of finally shedding the weight in time for our 5 year anniversary trip in July.  I have done Weight Watchers in the past, and have always had success for a couple of weeks when I have done it online, but have always found that I do much better when I go to the meetings and am held accountable for weighing in. So, back to the tracking and meal planning I go. 

This year though, I have a few habits that I really want to kick for good in the way of nutrition.  One being to dreaded pop habit.  I don't really drink a lot of it, but every thing I read always says how bad it is for you, so I question why I still drink it.  I have tried a couple times to stop drinking it and like anything, I am good for a couple of weeks and then it slowly creeps back into my diet.  Then I came across this in Health magazine--which by the way is an awesome magazine if you are looking for a motivational magazine, packed full of info, not fluff. 

66 days.  That's the average time it took people to form a new habit, according to a recent study at University College London--so be sure to give yourself enough time (and don't be hard on yourself if you're still slipping up one month later).  The date to check in on those resolutions? March 7.

So, that's what I am aiming for--I am committing to following through on my point tracking and no pop until March 7th at the earliest.  You know I always have these lofty goals, but this year I am really trying to stick to them and make this my healthiest year yet.  Not so easy for a sweet addict like myself!

So, in keeping with the trend, blog posts may be more health and fitness related for the time being, but don't worry you will still get your dose of kiddo, family, dog, crazy life stories to sprinkle in. 

Here's to a healthy weekend!

Facebook break

It's hard to believe that a few years ago we didn't have Facebook or Ipads--and even when I was in college, we didn't even have cell phones.  My friends and I joke that it was so much harder to get a hold of people in college and we really had to work to run into the guy that we wanted to see on a Saturday night.  We joke about how college kids have it so easy these days.  Well, with that ease--it also takes you to a place where you don't have to work to hard to connect with people.  While this may seem like a good thing, with the advent of Facebook, for me I think that it is a detriment.  I fully admit that I have become a lazy friend.  I rarely pick up the phone to call someone, I don't send a lot of personal emails, I don't write letters or cards--all of these things I really enjoy getting from others so why don't I do more of it.  I spend time on Facebook looking at people's updates that I haven't talked to in years and probably won't ever talk to again, but I don't spend enough time on the people that really matter.  That is definitely an area that I need to improve on this year.  This was brought to my attention a couple of times this week so I have made a decision to take a little break from relying on Facebook to keep me up-to-date on people's lives and put in a bit more effort myself.  Life isn't about status updates-it's about real relationships--face to face ones, not the ones we initiate or try to maintain on the computer.  While I may not have a ton of time--I have time to write a quick note every once in a while, instead of a quick text, I can put in a phone call.  I've read numerous studies saying that it's good for the body and soul to really connect with friends and family--the key words there are to really connect.  So in 2013, I am making strides to really connect and try to not be such a lazy friend, sister, daughter, mom, wife. 

"Wanna come out to play"

So after getting to bed at 12:05 on New Year's Eve--hey I made it to midnight and that is an accomplishment in itself, I was awoken at 5:15 by crazy barking and howling.  Of course the dog lover in me immediately is concerned.  I try to look out our upstairs windows but couldn't see anything, but the barking continued and sounded so close, so I ventured downstairs to get a better look.  I look out the laundry room window and see something behind the bushes--off to the mudroom for a better look.  I see the barking "dog" which is right by our driveway behind the bushes.  I decide to knock on the window to see if he will come out--of course he comes out and it is no dog but a lovely coyote just barking away wondering if Morgan and Madison want to come out to play.

My first instinct is to check to make sure the dog is locked because we all know that coyotes can turn knobs and walk into your house :)  Then, of course, I had to get Kevin up to verify that this "dog" was indeed a wild animal and I should not go out to try to rescue it from the cold.  Yep--after making the trek downstairs begrudgingly, he agreed we should not go out to pet our new friend.  Instead, he decided that in order to get the coyote to leave and stop barking--he would just open the window and ask the coyote to leave.  Who knew that coyotes actually do listen and away he ran.

Ugh,  I did not know that Morgan and Madison were running with some a "wild" group of friends.  I am definitely going to have to sit them down and talk to them about their choice of friends--and also that 5:15 in the morning is not an appropriate time for their friends to stop over for a visit. 

Happy Birthday Papa!

Well, surprisingly, I did make it to midnight and then was woken up extremely early by an unexpected visitor (more on that later-I know such the intrigue), so of course I am a little tired today.  However, with plans of eating apps and watching football all day, I'm not planning anything crazy for the first day of the new year other than enjoy our last day of family time.  But, I did want to stop in and wish the best dad and papa a very happy birthday!!!!  We love you!

 I just love this picture of Papa and his girls.  My girls are so lucky to have a Papa that adores them to pieces--even when they are a little naughty :) 

Oh this picture is just too good not to put up here and completely embarrass myself with--we are two peas in a pod all right, matching sweaters and all (correction--mine is actually a sweater vest with a denim shirt underneath--even better).  Love you dad! Hope you have a great day!