Insecurities

I kind of thought by the time I reached adulthood that I would be free of insecurities.  I thought that being free of the high school gossip and college drama, by the time I had a husband and kids, and spending my days home in the comfort of my own home most of the day, I would shed any insecurities I had.  I was wrong.  I guess we all have our insecurities and they pop up in different times, places, and events in our lives. 

After having two babies via c-section and now trying to lose the weight, I have insecurities about my body.  I  know that the scar and stretchmarks and extra pounds have a story to tell.  Without them I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters, but with them, I don't feel as toned and in shape as I once used to.  I see other mom's who seem to just bounce back and look better than ever before, and I am insecure.  "How does she look like that?" crosses my mind.  I wish I didn't feel this way, and I wish I have more willpower to not compare myself to others, but it's hard.  I look in the mirror and things just aren't the same.  I guess that comes with getting older as well and things are naturally going to shift and change, but knowing the reality of it doesn't make the insecurities go away. 

Then comes the insecurities of being a parent.  I went to years and years of schooling to do a job that I was at for six year.  My current job, stay-at-home mom/wife, I had no training.  You think that things are going to come naturally and then the insecurity sets in when you realize you have no idea what you are For instance, potty training--no idea.  I read the books and thought I had a clue before we started--of course, those things didn't work for my child and I was left feeling insecure and confused.  Then I compare myself to other mom's and feel even worse.  It seems like they have it all together.  They have time to clean and cook and do fun crafts and teach their kids at home.  Me, on the other hand, there are days when I am just trying to make it through the day.  Days where I do put on a few too many episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to give myself a little downtime (and let's be honest, in that time I'm not using it effectively to clean or cook). 

The hard thing is as we get older, no one is really there to cheer us on in day to day life.  No one is constantly telling us we are doing a good job.  I kind of miss those days of high school when I could get a test back and see for myself with the grade on the paper whether or not I did a good job.  I miss a coach telling me they could see the hardwork that I was putting in.  I even sometimes miss going to work and people listening to me in a meeting because they value what I have to say or a student say thanks for listening. 

I must admit that sometimes this lack of feedback leads to my insecurities.  It's hard to look inside ourselves and tell ourself that we are doing a good job or praise ourselves for the 5 pounds that we have lost, but it's that internal motivation that is going to keep us going.  In keeping with trying to improve on some key areas of my life, I really would like to shed some of these insecurities and be comfortable with who I am at this given point in time.  It may not be at a weight that I love when I look at the scale, and I may do things differently as a parent that I ever said I would, but this is who I am--right now.  Now, there is always room for growth and change, but if I can't be comfortable with who I am today, then I can't grow, I can't change.  So for today, I will get out there and do the best that I can.  I will try to eat healthy, and get to the gym, I will try to engage my children and do fun activities, but if I slip up-it's ok too because I know that in spite of my insecurities, I have security of my family and friends to fall back on.