Disconnected

Being a stay-at-home mom definitely has it's perks.  Everyday is like a weekend, I get to spend all day with my kids and be there for all the firsts, school parties, field trips, etc. I really do cherish these days and know that I am never going to get them back and I will look back in years and say how quickly they went by and what I wouldn't give to just be back in these days.

However, just with it's perks and everyday feeling like the weekend, there is also never a day off.  I don't get a day off when I am feeling sick.  I don't get a day off when I just need a mental health day--not like I used to do that when I was working :)  I don't get to sit down with co-workers over lunch and just decompress.  I don't get to do the Friday happy hour.  My day doesn't start at 8 and end at 5.  I don't even have the commute (which yes I know many people hate) to just sit and listen to music or make some phone calls. 

Sometimes, I just feel disconnected.  I spend all day with a 2-year-old and 1-year-old so you can imagine that my time is not my own.  I am constantly doing something for someone else.  And while there is constantly noise in the house and things going on, it also feels a bit lonely.  You can imagine that conversations with a 2-year-old aren't all that in-depth.  I don't ever get to talk on the phone because the second I would try to have a conversation screaming would ensue in the background or the million questions of who am I talking to and why.  We don't go out to eat too much anymore because taking two little ones who constantly need something to a restaurant by myself just isn't feasible.  We can't go to most stores because either they don't have double shopping carts and I while Kiley could walk, she loves the cart and always wants to ride and Ella just can't be trusted to walk.  The only place we really go on a regular basis is the gym because I can get the girls in, drop them off at daycare, and then spend a few hours by myself, working out--but even then, when surrounded by others, I still feel a bit lonely. 

I must say that generally I am happy with our move to the suburbs, but one thing that I do miss about the city was that I could always look out the window and see people walking down the street at any time of day.  I could go out for a short walk which didn't feel so silly--here it seems a little odd to get everyone all geared up to walk down the driveway and back.  We also lived right across the street from a park which even on cold days, usually had some people there.  While life in the suburbs does have it's perks, it can also feel a bit lonely at times.  I don't have friends that I can just call up and ask if they want to take a cab and meet for a drink for an hour if I have had a rough day.  Being stuck in the house the past couple of days with sick kids really has opened my eyes to how disconnected and lonely it can be in suburbia.  And while I am trying to learn to say no, I also need to learn how to stay connected.  I need to learn how to connect with new friends and make plans to meet up.  I need to learn to schedule time for myself and really realize just how important that time is for me.  I need to learn to put myself out there every once in a while and do things that are out of my comfort zone so that I can stay connected.  I need to learn that I can't always say no or these feelings of disconnectedness will continue to grow.  This is all a learning curve of things that they don't teach you in school and while there are plenty of self help books out there, it's not the same for everyone.  There are no right or wrong answers, it just learning how to live!